Hey Mama! Have you been overwhelmed lately? Stressing about school and interactions with teachers, managing your child’s stress, or maybe even handling the stress of figuring out how to homeschool for the first time? 

Take solace, it doesn’t mean that you’re not an incredible mother! In fact, you’re so incredible and loving that you probably take care of everyone else before even thinking about yourself.  You put your all into everyone around you and rarely pamper yourself. You might even tell yourself that you’re not doing enough and that your home should be cleaner and that you should be keeping a beautiful scrapbook (do people still scrapbook?) for each child.

Here are some mental health tips for moms—to help you maintain your energy and enthusiasm in all the chaos of life.

Set realistic routines.

The younger your children, the harder it is to set routines. Routine doesn’t always mean doing things at specific times. It can mean creating a pattern or order to different activities. Routines can be big or small, but they help us find some sense of control in all the ruckus.

Set boundaries, with others and with yourself. 

Boundaries with others can look like setting limits on what you will tolerate from others and how much you can give to others. Boundaries with yourself can look like knowing your needs and making choices that support those needs even when it is uncomfortable.  This might include setting limits on phone use, keeping to a budget, and avoiding revenge bedtime procrastination (staying up late at night because it’s the only alone time you get). Boundaries require courage. Be brave!

Talk it out.

In my time working with postpartum mothers, I have found one of the best protective factors against negative mental health is to have a good support system. Partner, parents, in-laws, friends, co-workers, church members, your therapist. You need people—people who understand motherhood.

Get some sleep.

This is another one of the most important things you can do to safeguard your mental health. If you’ve got a baby keeping you up at night, aiming to get 4 hour stretches of sleep makes a big difference. If you’re having a hard time falling asleep, take the pressure off sleep and allow yourself to just rest.

Spend time outside.

Try to go for a short walk or even sit on the porch for a few minutes. If you can’t get outside, then open the blinds or the windows and let in that Vitamin D!

Be mindful.

Meditating is a tool that helps us be more mindful, but being mindful is really just being aware of your emotional and physical state of being. Slow down and check in with yourself a couple of times a day.

Manage your expectations.

Did you know that Marie Kondo, after having her third child, changed her perspective on tidiness?  “Up until now, I was a professional tidier, so I did my best to keep my home tidy at all times. I have kind of given up on that in a good way for me. Now I realize what is important to me is enjoying spending time with my children at home.” Try and remember that you are human and that it’s impossible have everything (or anything, really) perfect. There are just some perpetual messes that come with certain phases of life. They won’t be that way forever, but for now, adjust your expectations. 

Play!

Make time to be playful. In all the stress, prioritize playing with your children, dancing in the kitchen, singing in the car, pulling out your old Barbies, or otherwise having fun. I promise, you need it and deserve it.

Then, be kind to yourself.

All of these ideas are moo (Yup. I did.) if you’re internally beating yourself up while you’re making them happen. Yes, I’m lookin’ at you, mama. Seriously, the most important thing you can do for yourself (and for your little ones) in this and any other difficult (or easy-breezy) time is to be kind to yourself!

Kristin Neff (who is seriously lovely) would ask the question: “What do I need to help alleviate my suffering?” Your inner critic might ask, “Why do I even deserve compassion?” The truth is, there is nothing you can do or not do that makes you worthy of self compassion. You’re worthy of it—PERIOD. Let’s practice some Radical Acceptance with that. Repeat after me: “I am worthy of self compassion. There’s nothing I can do to change that undeniable fact. What I can do and will do as a result of this realization is commit to being kind to myself.”

There are multiple important facets involved in being kind to yourself. However, the one I want to emphasize now is self-validation. Don’t overthink this. When we boil it down, validation is communicating to the validatee that their emotions totally make sense (not necessarily logically, of course, but on an emotional level)! Here’s how you do it for yourself (the process applies to validating others, too):

Notice and label the emotion. Have you read Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart? It is a dictionary of emotions and it is so helpful if you’re open to expanding your emotional vocabulary. But when trying to validate, you want to know what the emotion is that you’re validating. Susan David discusses the importance of distancing your identity from your emotions: I notice I feel ashamed instead of I am ashamed.

“I notice that I feel ashamed of myself.”

Identify the reason you feel that way.

“Man, the kids have been touching me and talking to me all day, I was overstimulated and I snapped when my daughter asked for a snack instead of grabbing it herself. I guess it makes sense that I feel agitated and ashamed.”

Identify the value behind your feeling. Underneath every emotion we feel, there is something that is important to us.  (It may be helpful to you to engage in a Values Sort to identify your top 5 core values.) 

“I really value respect and kindness. I didn’t live by those values in that moment.”

Normalize and find what Kristin Neff calls Common Humanity.  Chances are that most other people, if they were put into your situation, would feel similarly or the same. But your shame, your anxiety, your depression, your whatever… wants to isolate you and tell you that you are alone, that you are crazy, and that you are a big ol’ mess for feeling and behaving the way you did. Don’t you dare believe it. 

“I know that Instagram makes it look like every other mom has their crap together, and that my depression wants to isolate me, but I know that other really good moms also get overwhelmed and yell at their kids.”

Radical acceptance - I may not be able to change the situation or my emotions, but I can control how I respond to it now. 

“I don’t love how the situation went down, so I’m going to hold myself accountable and apologize to my daughter, and I’ll be kind to myself by taking care of myself so that I can try and do better next time.” 

Which, by the way, if you’re worried about messing up your kids and them ending up in therapy: the most impactful thing you can do for your children after you mess up (because you WILL mess up) is to take accountability for it and apologize to them.  They will remember the apology and your humility, not the mistake.

So all together, it’s:

“I notice that I feel ashamed of myself. Man, the kids have been touching me and talking to me all day, I was overstimulated and I snapped when my daughter asked for a snack instead of grabbing it herself. I guess it makes sense that I feel agitated and ashamed. I really value respect and kindness.  I didn’t live by those values in that moment. I know that Instagram makes it look like every other mom has their crap together, and that my depression wants to isolate me, but I know that other really good moms also get overwhelmed and yell at their kids. I don’t love how the situation went down, so I’m going to hold myself accountable and apologize to my daughter, and I’ll be kind to myself by taking care of myself so that I can try and do better next time.”

Watch Kristin Neff’s TED Talk on the differences between self-esteem and self-compassion for more insights on the topic.

Do what feels reasonable to take care of yourself, set those boundaries, stay in touch with your support system, be mindful, and then be kind to yourself when none of it goes according to plan. Because, let’s face it, parenthood never does. And it’s beautiful.